06/04/2009 - 9:08 p.m.

I have marking!! Another post-grad paper. I actually get to feel useful. I also get to make rude remarks about other people's lack of knowledge of Word as I am marking this on the electronic copies.

I also have an interview tomorrow. For another insurance call centre but this time I am going straight to the company so I get to do my own sales pitch on why I'd be a good hire even though I will be unchallenged and bored to tears.

I am slightly less stressed as I know I have a tonne of marking coming and can invigilate if needs be. Not permanent work but will pay some bills. Actually I am so far in the hole I will mark even if I get offered this job tomorrow. I am actually thinking I will do some invigilating as well but take some time off from walking round to do the marking I will have. I know I have two exams to mark plus an assignment due round the same time.

I like feeling useful again!

If you just want the good stuff here is where you stop reading.

The situation with the spouse seems to be getting worse. But I am hesitant to say anything until I have the where with all to leave if that is what he wants. I am at the point I actually want to give this thing one more try but I think he has gone past that point and wants out :(

I couldn't sleep on Saturday night and for some reason remembered one night before he lost all the weight when he crawled into bed with me. He was scared he was having a heart attack and wanted to be there with me if he was. Now I'm not the person he turns to for comfort, I'm not sure who has replaced me if anyone but it smarts. The more so because he is still after every thing the first person I turn to. I sat there and cried and cried and ached to go and crawl into bed next to him and be comforted. But it was 2am and he was sooo tired and he would be uncomfortable about I think. So I didn't, I just cried by myself and missed my sister too.

Because after all my bad behaviour this is exactly what I deserve but I finally worked out that I had it right the first time - marrying him was the smartest move I ever made. And through all of the nonsense with H, I never stopped caring about the spouse, guess I never stopped loving him. And to feel that he has stopped loving me tears me apart.

The strange thing is he still comes in every night and kisses my forehead and says good night.

Oh meh
Bels